


Davis Jones And The Fucking Idiocy Of These Men

by TheRisingSun777



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:15:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27801397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRisingSun777/pseuds/TheRisingSun777
Summary: In a climactic turn of events, Vodemort was obliviated by an auror set up to give the students their OWLs.
Kudos: 8





	Davis Jones And The Fucking Idiocy Of These Men

"For _fucks sake_ Voldie, really? You're supposed to be 'the dark lord', 'reigner of terror', and all of these other, bullshit titles, but _look at you,"_ The man was utterly exasperated, even as all of the children cowered in fear, "You _do_ know that the dark arts has tens, hell, even thousands more spells than just _avada kedavra,_ right? You _have_ to know that, you absolute _shithead,_ "

The students were watching in awe now. Voldemort, The Dark Lord Supreme, was getting absolutely bodied by some random auror. He could barely keep his wits about him, without another spell being thrown at him. It was all he could do to keep throwing the right shield spells up.

"L-like I can't _even, Jesus Christ._ No wonder you made an actual fucking child your enemy, you useless prick, you wouldn't be able to fight anyone else!" He threw another spell at the man, who this time, almost managed to hit him.

The man caught the spell in midair, and looked at it with frank disappointment, "Only half as much power you'd need to put into the Imperius charm for it to work, Tom. What the hell happened, man? I went to school with you and shit," He threw the spell back with a power adjustment, and watched Voldemort flip out of the way, a look of horror on his face, from the spell that just barely missed.

"Honestly, given the fact that nobody has been able to catch you, I think I'm starting to question the world where a literal child is better than half of the actual _fucking_ Order of the Phoenix," He threw another spell, and it slammed into Voldemort's shoulder, "Y'know what? Fuck this, _Obliviate,"_ It slammed straight into Voldemort, erasing all of his memories in a millisecond.

After a moment of stretching post-battle, the man looked through the crowd, "Yo, Harry, I know you're around here somewhere, y'might not know it yet, but there's these things called Horcruxes, which the big man without a brain used to use,"

"Horcruxes?" The very confused man without a nose asked, "What are horcruxes?"

"They're a really good kind of soup that Nan used to make,"

\---------------------7

The three men tredged gently up a hill. One auror, sir Davis Jones, and his two companions, Harry Potter, and a man they had both taken to calling Voldie. He was a rather stupid man, without all of the power that he used to have. Harry, at the given moment, was stuck trying to wrap his mind around this. The most feared wizard in all of history, had also happened to be one of the most idiotic.

"And he only had a couple of horcruxes? He didn't like, oh, I don't know, make millions of them?"

Davis was starting to get mildly worried at Harry's thought processes as of the given moment, "You do understand that making a horcrux splits the soul, correct?"

"But that's just theory isn't it? Like, he could've made _thousands,_ and the only thing it would do was break his _soul._ How do we even know that souls are a thing in the first place?" Harry asked.

Davis considered for a moment, "Now that you're mentioning it, there really hasn't been any specific evidence placing the soul as a truly existent thing, and not just a theory for deterrence," This thought did serve interest, but each of them knew that actually creating one was a different subject.

"I thought Horcruxes were soup?"

"Yes, yes, Voldie, they are soup, just...Really difficult to make soup."

Davis, along with most of the other aurors, had known where the horcruxes had been hidden. Or at least most of the ones within the higher divisions had. It just so happened that him being at Hogwarts to teach the OWLs hadn't been an accident at all. They walked through the dark tunnel, Davis tapping gently, until they found their way into another corridor, one made of a river, with a glowing bowl within the very center. He stared towards it with mild boredom. 

"There's an interesting amount of charms lingering in the air," He said, glancing towards Harry.

"There are?"

"Yes, can you not smell them?"

"W-well no," Harry admitted, confused.

"In an Auror's life, should you live long enough, you will gain what some of us like to call a sixth sense. Of course, it's not really a sixth sense at all, but it _is_ a link to the magic around you. I've heard that you have intentions of becoming one yourself. This is a good time to try to see if you could find that scent early,"

"Why _I_ feel something rather strange," Said the obliviated Voldemort.

He glanced towards the man, imagining Dumbledore's reaction again. It had been a delight, to see the man of such high standing, go absolutely ballistic, almost like a child. Dumbledore had started muddling about 'plans', and great big schemes, 'power dynamics'. Harry had been there too, which had made it all the better. Voldie, however, had been eating a cupcake, marvelling over the delicious taste, as Bellatrix, who it turned out was playing a rather interesting act as a triple agent, one might even call her quadruple, since she'd bowed to Dumbledore like he was the highest ranking alive, had crooned over the man.

"That is not surprising. Voldie, tell me how you feel?"

"Like I have to go to the bathroom," Voldie admitted, "Do you happen to know if there's any near?"

Harry doubled over, trying to keep a straight face, as he looked across the river. Davis did not comment on this, and instead looked across the river. He quickly disbanded most of the spell in the area, taking apart their lingering affects, disassembling the contraption of wires in his head, until there was only the bowl across the lake to thrum with magic.

"Voldie, I suspect you might want to hold your bladder for a bit longer..."

\------------------------7

Dumbledore was furious. He was not such a man that he would write his plans on paper, and he had never been one to do things in such a brazen manner, but he remembered that day, when the man named Tom Riddle had walked into his office. The day he'd been promised more power than a person could ever dream. In that room, they had come up with a scheme, something impossible, something no _sane_ man could ever think of. It involved Horcruxes, great magical tomes, thousands of things bound to the ethereal existence beyond even theirs. Dumbledore had taken the gain for himself, of course, casting Voldemort into living shadow, just as they had intended. 

Harry had been born, they'd created a prophecy together, a universe where two would have no shade of the other. Born to parents that had defied him thrice, under the golden veil, steeped in mysticism, a weapon so purely constructed, something impossible to tame, with power to defeat a dark lord. Yet now it had been cast aside, a man obliviated, and the power of that prophecy turning out to come from an unknown source.

He paced inside his room, waiting for the aurors to walk in. All of them had heard about his outburst of anger, and they were worried, wondering what had happened. Shouldn't Dumbledore be happy on this day? Now he had to think quickly before things went to an ahead. He needed a way to make sure that his plan didn't fall apart, he-

"Draco Malfoy," Dumbledore said, his blood running cold.

Dumbledore turned around, and looked towards the boy. His wand was held in his hand, pointed straight at him. How long had the boy been standing there, how long had he been looking towards the mad Dumbledore. And why, oh ever why, did he have his wand pointed directly at him.

"I heard what you were plotting,"

He had been talking awhile ago, to himself, hadn't he?

"And how, did you hear the words I was speaking?"

"Harry lended me the invisibility cloak," Draco said, staring at him in a glare.

_What?_

"Y-you sai-"

"Why would Harry ever lend _you_ a Deathly Hallow?"

Draco stammered, as he tried to force himself to get the words out, "S-s-supposed to be a triple agent. Harry, he...He suspected something w-was wrong,"

"Ah, I see. Now, Draco, why don't you sit down, and we have a little chat?" With a wave of his wand, a kettle and some tea appeared, "I think it would be rather nice if we should talk about this, before anyone did anything daft,"  
  


But Draco stayed where he stood, "I'm the one with the wand, and where is yo-" His words cut off as Dumbledore's wand went flying through the air, and slammed into his hand.

One spell flew over Draco's shoulder. Draco peered over the side in horror, and watched as a wand flew out of the sky.

In the night, three people went plummeting. Davis was quick, and slammed out his one wand, tapping it into the wand. The flying charm was powerful, but nothing he couldn't manage. He whispered it under his breath, and pulled the broomstick up as hard as he could, shooting straight towards the tower's window. Draco ducked out of the way, as three people jumped down. One of which, collapsed a bit to the side, and collided with a couple of glass beacons, which quickly collapsed to the ground, bringing an explosion that nearly killed all of the five people now in the room.

"W-w-we heard what you were saying, Dumbledore!" Harry shouted, as he tripped, and fell over Voldie.

Davis looked over the two men, and considered mildly for a couple of moments.

"You do realize the implications of this, Dumbledore?"

"Oh yes, I do rather understand it. In fact, it was supposed to be Draco who killed me in the end, leaving him the new opposing power for Harry, _and_ the next Dark Power,"

Davis tilted his head to the side for a moment, "A rather dumb notion, with a large gamble at the very heart of your game,"

"You misunderstand me, Davis, was it? Malfoy was only a part of it. If he did not become the Dark Power, I had a couple of other options on the line, after everything is said and done. Harry would rise to power either way, becoming the archetypical Hero,"

"What kind of stupid shit..." Davis muttered to himself, as he rose his wand.

A spell shot out of Dumbledore's wand, nearly slamming into Davis's faced. He cursed, and jumped to the side, throwing a spell, even as he nearly collapsed over Fawkes. The phoenix bleated, and shot towards its master. Davis looked out in shock, and shot a spell towards the phoenix instead. It veered off to the side, landing on its master's shoulder.

"Harry!" Dumbledore called, his voice now sounding ragged, "I'm sorry...It is what must be done,"

Professor McGonagall slammed through the doorway. Dumbledore looked towards her, Davis, and Voldie, before shooting out a spell at McGonagall. Both Harry and Davis reacted at the same time, each throwing a shield spell at McGonagall. to their collective surprise, however, it was Draco's spell that slammed in-front of her, saving her from a fate that none wanted to consider. Dumbledore looked on the scene with cold eyes, before disappearing in a burst of fire.

He had never been one to be unsubtle, but things always had an allowance for change, didn't they?


End file.
